In today’s modern world, you’re only as good as your resume. If you want to make it in business, medicine, science or law, your grades and your extra-curricular activities form a huge portion of your application. But for many Muslim girls, the latter part of the equation proves extremely difficult to achieve.

For as long as I can remember, most parents in my community have been bothered by their daughters joining clubs and extra-curriculars. At a face level, they realize there is absolutely nothing wrong with any club (especially one that is academic). But deep down, they feel that as soon as school hours are over, daughters should be right back home where they belong.

Even if it is a society like the Muslim Student’s Association, parents simply are not wholly comfortable with the notion of a club or a social community. A lot of it may have to do with their own upbringings: in Pakistan, for example, you excelled in school and there was nothing more important than that. The changing competitive environment of the 21st century, which requires us to pack our CVs with as many titles and positions as possible, is lost on them.

But it’s more than just an unfortunate social/cultural habit; it has a religious aspect, as well. When it comes down to it, the Qur’an makes specific recommendations as to how women should lead their lives. The clear point is that it should not be led like men. But unfortunately, society demands otherwise.  Families cannot simply run on one income and girls have been trained from a young age to be “all that they can be”.  Our parents are then faced with a complex interplay of emotions: they want their children – including their daughters – to be successful and fit for urban life. But on the other hand, many believe that to ensure the religiosity and safety of their children, daughters should not get too involved with the dunya.  

For many immigrant parents, the frame of reference is still “back home”. In other words, if they are concerned with impressing, pleasing or berating anyone, it is members of their own community. Honour and respect comes from those that share the same heritage and the same background as themselves, and no one else. They have little regard for how “Canadians” see them. For some, it is a fear of the unknown and a fear of the tyranny of the "white man" that drives them to self-segregation. For others, however, it has a lot to do with the Western world's increasingly discriminatory policies towards Muslims (see Fareedah's article on Swiss legislation regarding masjid minarets). If we over-educate our children in a system that hates them, we only teach them to hate themselves. Put another way, it is kind of  like a Stockholm Syndrome, where increased exposure to Western academia severs our link to our imaan and makes us fall in love with the enemy. For our parents, there is no worst nightmare than someone like Irshad Manji, Canadian small-l liberal lesbian Muslim, critic of traditional Islam, and in their opinion, an over-educated Munaffiqun (hypocrite).

In my final year of university, I am seeing a lot of Muslim women make some great strides in their lives. But as female students get older and wiser, the dynamic at home changes. The same parents who once encouraged (and forced!) them to study and excel in school are now facing a kind of anxiety about their daughters being simply too “white-washed”.  A fear of late night club meetings has developed into a fear of studies abroad and international programs.

This article was inspired by a Muslim student I met while at work at the Career Centre, who is turning down an acceptance to Oxford University for a Masters in Political Science because her parents forbid it. It is also inspired by the words of Dr. Tariq Ramadan, and his belief that Muslim Canadians are ghettoizing themselves. He reminds us that the prophet put great stock in deen, and traveling for the sake of education.  But there must certainly be a limit to what we sacrifice in order to succeed in the mainstream. In other words, this hadith only count for certain definitions of deen, and yours may not apply. 

Yale or Harvard means nothing to some parents. For a daughter to achieve these academic honours, it is actually a nuisance. “Why do you want things so far away? Why are your ambitions so sinful?”  A daughter should aim to stay close to her roots at all times, until she is passed from one family’s embrace (or control?) to another. Why? Because the world is dangerous. And it is (or, at least, it ought to be) a sin for a mother to throw her child into such a situation of temptation, risk and seduction. Safety from these things is found only indoors. While the same fears and the same demands are always true for boys, we know well that they apply doubly or triply to women.

I'm not trying to engage in cultural stereotyping. Nor am I trying to be hard on our parents, who are afraid of falling into the growing crevasse between old world and new. But, we must admit that this is a trend that has long-standing roots in our cultural mores. Is it time to question these roots? Or (because these mores are said to be based on Islamic rulings), have we already strayed too far?

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Comments

moorgs link
01/17/2010 12:20am

I was wrapped up in this article by the second paragraph, you rock Anila! This article read to me as very personal, so reflective of the situations many sisters I know of face.

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Zainab
01/17/2010 12:56pm

Salaamulaykum,

Great article, mashAllah. I face this exact same issue at home- so it really struck home for me. However, when dealing with my parents I always remember the best bit of advice I have ever been given. Basically, even if your parents tell you to do something and it is unfair/unjust you should still listen. Why? Because as our parents they have every right to tell us what to do and what not to do as long as it doesn't go against Islam. This is of course easier said then done and by many it could seem like throwing in the towel and just submitting to your parents. Actually, when we listen to them even if they are being extremely unfair we are not submitting to them but to the will of Allah and putting all our faith and trust in Him. Therefore, in that obedience there is so much more baraqah than if you had decided to go and do what you wanted no matter how wonderful it seemed. For instance, my parents absolutely refused me to go to Ottawa for an amazing one of a kind opportunity. Their reasoning behind not letting me go was the same ones you've outlined in your article. I obeyed them, however, and what eventually happened was that I got an even better offer- and it was in Toronto! Obviously this is just one example- but I truly believed and still believe that if you put your faith in Allah things will turn out pretty ok. :-)
That being said- the issues in the article are very real. I personally dont think (and im not saying your implying this) that outright disobedience is the answer and its actually really bad...BUT it's all in how we interact/deal with our parents. As youth (i say this too myself as much as anyone else) we need to excercise patience and be a litle more mature...I dont want to go too into it....this comment is already an essay!! sorry, im passionate on this topic :-)

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Anila
01/17/2010 9:19pm

Very true Zainab. But I don't take issue with parents being wrong or right, and whether it's in Islam for us to obey them.

At the heart of the issue is an inappropriate balance between reality and expectations. As our parents, having not been raised here, struggle to figure out the kind of role they want to play in this environment, they give their children mixed messages - be all you can be, but not by this society's standards. Which begs the question: by which society's standards is a young women expected to succeed in?

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Anila
01/17/2010 9:21pm

In other words, I understand the philosophy of what your saying: no one doubts that.

But what does it REALLY mean? It means that young women may have to do exactly as the title suggests: pose constraints on themselves and limit their own ability to succeed in this dunya, more so than their male brothers.

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Fareedah
01/17/2010 9:44pm

Anila, you wrote a good article and you made really good points in it. But

you also wrote this:

"When it comes down to it, the Qur’an makes specific recommendations as to how women should lead their lives. The clear point is that it should not be led like men. But unfortunately, society demands otherwise."

Maybe it's a matter of not that it should not be led as men, but a matter of it should be led in the best way. And the best way for one person is not the best way for another. i.e the best life for a man is not the best life for a woman.

We encouraged to get an education in Islam. But there are other considerations as well. Like the affect wherever or however we get that education may affect the health of our iman.

Society may say otherwise and may be moving towards a convergence in gender roles, but that doesn't make it right. Equality is not the same as equity. Equity takes into account the differeing states, abilities and natures of individuals. We are all equal in our worth as human beings. However, our sex is part of the diversity of the humans' differing states, abilities, and natures.

We should not leave that. We all have our roles. Just because one idea of sucess and achievement has become prevelant doesn't mean that we should embrace it completely without analyzing if it undermines the true abilities and true direction that is best for each person.

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Shaheena
01/19/2010 5:16pm

Excellent article Anila. I agree with what Fareedah wrote as well !

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