The new Iphone 5 was recently snagged by our Fuego the goat from Apple’s R&D. He gained access to the facility when he was hired by Apple for his manure. Apple wanted to use the manure to produce green energy. But, that’s a story for a different article.

The new Iphone has revolutionized things once again by adding features that are already found on other phones such as a slot for microSD, a 5 megapixel camera, and a slide out keyboard. But, the most incredible feature is the ability to use a newly coveted Taser App (not available to Android or Blackberry users).

With this new App you can finally fend off all those people on public transit that are trying to rob you of your Iphone. The App when activated works by placing a call while you grip the left side of the phone where the antenna resides this causes incredible strain on the battery creating a charge so strong that it renders both you and the thief immobile. Hackers believe this feature can be used on the Iphone 4 and are working to expose it. However, if the phone still somehow is stolen off of you then don’t worry just give Steve Jobs a person call and he’ll locate where the phone is. That location data you just found out they’ve been collecting might as well be used for something.

Overall we give the Iphone 5, 5 out of 4 stars. I know I will be putting my house on its fifth mortgage, so I can be the first in line to get one!