Capturing a dry leaf
I have wanted so much to write this poem,
But it has taken so long.
I hope I can give his memory the respect it deserves.
I ask him, Sweetheart,
“What will you miss the most?”
“Just the small things I guess.”
“Like what”, I reply.
Like how everyday he would drop me to school.
Like how everyday he would make my lunch.
Like how he taught me to read the Quran.
Like the strength of his embrace.
Allah is the One who holds sweet mercy.
And Sweetheart tells me,
“I was really sad.
But the day after,
so I was happy.
Because he always said that rain was a sign of Allah’s mercy.”
So even though he is broken,
Some parts of him are at peace.
I swear to God that now every time it rains,
I think of Sweetheart and how much I want to
tell him we love him,
tell him things will be okay.
I can still remember how my heart skipped a beat,
When they told me,
That your dad had taken his own life.
And all I could think about was
And how much I wanted to hug you.
And how much I wanted to talk to you.
And how much I wanted to be near you.
The sunshine is warm and bites my skin.
We are standing outside of your place.
It is quiet.
It feels of loss and sorrow
and sorrow and loss.
And to be honest there are butterflies in my stomach.
How can we even confront you.
And then you,
Sweetheart, you come down the stairs.
And our eyes meet.
And my heart just drops.
And you hug me,
And I hug you back.
And we cry.
And I can see the redness in your eyes.
And the worry on your face.
Hugging you, Sweetheart
Makes me feel better,
Because for that one moment
I can hold you,
In our embrace.
You tell us,
That’s the thing with death,
People want to hear the story over and over again.
During the prayer,
Before the burial.
I see you.
You are standing in the front row.
The casket is wrapped with a black cloth,
With gold thread used to stitch the verses of the Quran.
You are 15 years old,
And you are leading the procession.
Our eyes meet.
And we silently nod.
And I remember how you said,
You want to be there for your dad for the last time.
You want to hold him for the last time.
And tell him how proud you are of him.
You want all of this,
Because he was always there for you.
I want you to know that you are,
After the burial, when I see you,
I can see
Your hands are shaking.
And we remind you that this life is a life full of pain.
That this is a life full of hardships and tests.
So you must keep holding on to your faith.
And even now,
I know that behind your laughter
There are tears.
And I know that so much of you is so broken.
But I want you to know that,
Even in this,
This time of pain.
I will stand with you.
Now and forever.
Sweetheart, I have wanted for so long to write this poem.
But it has just taken me so long.
To come to this place.
And by the grace of Allah,
I have stitched these words for you.
I want you to remember,
That When you miss him,
Like sometimes we miss our own heart beat
Blow a kiss,
Move your lips in prayer.
Glad tidings are with him.
And when it rains, I want you to remember
all of his grace,
Can you please do that for me.
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